Is there a connection between good relations between husband and wife and the children's education and discipline?
One morning, I woke my son and pushed him to get ready quickly so that he would get to school on time. My son seems to know how to wedge himself between me and my wife, and he asked her to make him a tosesan treat. In case you don't know, it is sugar with a drop of sour salt, sometimes also with food coloring. Forgive me if my recipe isn't precise.
When I discovered it, I asked him, why did you ask Mommy now, when you're in a hurry and need to rush to school? My son then pulled out the trump card: "Mommy let me."
I then turned to my wife and asked her why she's making a treat for him now when he'll be late. I admit that I felt annoyed and raised my voice. The truth is that she meant well. She saw that my son was a little down because of different reason that I won't go into here, and she wanted him to leave the house with a good feeling. So again, when disharmony or disagreements arise between parents, does it interfere with childrearing?
Answer:
Excellent question and also a very common one in one form or another. First of all, regarding your annoyance, you feel that your wife didn't take into account your wishes that your son hurry up and get to school on time; instead she did what she wanted regardless, and it bothered you. She sees you rushing him, so why should she do something to slow him down? This is indeed an unpleasant feeling, to put it mildly, and a valid one.
So that's what you and your wife need to talk about — just sit and talk! Explain respectfully what bothers you. Talk about what you feel, without placing blame, not even through your tone of voice. Request that you think about this issue together. This conversation should not be conducted during the stressful hours of the morning but rather at a later relaxed, calm time.
The parental tension from your son's perspective (Daddy tries to rush me, while Mommy allows me to be delayed) has a negative effect on your son's emotional well-being. It is critical to the child's psyche that you and your wife speak as one voice, that you present one position. Father backs up mother, and mother backs up father.
If you're really concerned about the influence on your child, I suggest you say to your son something like this in response: "Oh, Mommy allows you to have a treat, excellent! Do what Mommy tells you!" Even if he is late for school because of it, your son's loss (the delay) will come with the enormous reward of the unity between his father and mother.
It is also possible to handle the response to your son a little differently. You can turn to his mother, and say, "Well if you've allowed him to have a tosesan, that's excellent, then he should prepare it for himself. But maybe he should make it another time, because I think it's late. What you think?"
These are two ways to handle the situation; however, even if you use one of them, you may still come out feeling compromised or unsupported: you wanted something, and your wife invalidated it. But keep in mind the following:
For the sake of the child's emotional well-being, the right thing is not to argue with your wife.
When your wife sees that you respect her opinion, then naturally, she will respect your opinion. Try it...
Indirectly you are conveying that your opinion is important. You are the one who is approving. If you want your opinion to be considered, this is the only way — not to resist, argue, and fight about who is stronger because, as we know, there are no winners in fights, only losers.
Now let's say you're convinced that my approach is correct, that one of the options above is the effective thing to do. Nevertheless, the anger you feel in the moment may prevent you from implementing it. This is actually another question for another time. But I will give you a hint as to what my response would be: there are techniques that can help you do and say exactly what is necessary in the moment. It is not as difficult as it seems. It begins with understanding the correct approach (as discussed above), and that may be enough for you to actually put it into action.
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