My wife had great ambitions for the man she would marry, and it didn't work out well for her.
I am not a successful Rosh Yeshiva nor even a lecturer, and unfortunately, I wasn't even successful as an elementary school teacher. I'm not part of an important kollel for high-level studies in Jewish law let alone passed tests that demonstrate any sort of expertise in Talmud.
In short, her disappointment is heavy, and the following sentence already slipped out of her mouth: "I will accept you when you are a serious Torah scholar who runs (like the those who run in front of our house) to the kollel at 9 in the morning. Without that, it is difficult for me to accept you."
Do I have a chance at accepting myself as I am?
Answer:
This question is very common in its various variations, which is why I decided to respond in two answers. The first, here, will address your pain as the husband, and your role. The second, in a separate answer, will address your wife's difficulty.
As for you, the husband, how much pain is buried in these lines! It is difficult to answer before first acknowledging your pain.
To begin, I pose a question: you didn't succeed in becoming the head of a yeshiva, or even a simple teacher, or even to be tested in Talmudic proficiency. But what have you succeeded to do? Try answering this for yourself, before you continue reading.
So...if your answer was clear, detailed, and confident, then the next few lines are not intended for you. But if your answer was hesitant, unsure, and wishy washy—your wife is actually only reflecting your feeling toward yourself.
You finish the question with the words, "Do I have a chance at accepting myself as I am?" Are you accepting yourself? Are you—in your heart and mind and life experience? This is the question you need to ask yourself. Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian, of blessed memory, once told one of the greatest educators that he can tell anyone that he is much better than he thinks he is. That statement applies to each one of us, you too and even me!
So take a pen and paper (or laptop), and write two lists. On the first, write down your failures. Where have you fallen short? Put everything out on the table clearly. Second, write down a list of your successes. Where have you met or exceeded expectations? What is good about you? What are your good qualities? I'm sure you can find plenty.
Just making these lists will change something in you. Try it for yourself. When your opinion of yourself changes, you will automatically broadcast that estimation of yourself, and then your wife will look at you differently.
In my opinion, you should focus on the pursuits that really suit you. What's good for you—truly—not what's good for you in the eyes of your wife: maybe a different kind of Torah academy, maybe even something outside of that framework altogether (after consultation with your rabbi). Do what gives you satisfaction, a feeling of fullness, what expresses the unique gifts G-d has given you. And go for it!
After this stage, or alternatively (in case my assessment in your particular case is not inaccurate), understand that usually women by their very nature are devoted and selfless. They give themselves over to the benefit of others, sometime beyond their limits, and even after that. Their challenge often is simply to give to themselves, for their personal needs, to understand that they need to rest. We men do not usually suffer from this "problem."
Therefore, it often happens that a woman can view her husband as lazy. Why don't you move? Why are you just sitting? Why are you wasting time? This is a mistake. She pits her devotion and industriousness against what she perceives as her husband's laziness, and this infuriates her. If she focuses on her own challenges and her difficulty overcoming them, and sees them as comparable to her husband's need for rest, she would handle it differently.
Although on this point, a husband also has the option to solve the problem. (Ladies, you may not want to read on...) The first woman in creation was called Eve, or in Hebrew Chava, which is similar to chavaya, experience. One essential characteristic of the woman is that she experiences things on a deep level, which has its advantages and disadvantages, as does any human aspect. Use this aspect to your advantage by not having her experience what she perceives as your laziness.
Get up in the morning as early as possible. Get out of the house. Outside, you can do whatever you want, even go back to sleep somehow. Rest while she is not experiencing it in front of her eyes. All this while staying sane and reasonable of course. You are allowed to do whatever you want, but if possible, try to display to her your diligence, to place it into her experience.
The above is solid advice, as is giving to your wife. Thus she receives a strong, supportive, self-disciplined husband. This is really what does her good. If you fear this is manipulating her or playing games: this is not a lie! There is no need to hide, and hiding won't help either; it's is only about shaping her experience of you. She is better off not seeing what she wouldn't want to see with her own eyes. It will be something distant and bother her much less.
Then when you come back from the kollel (or work or whatever your activity is), don't focus on the idleness that was naturally some part of it nor on the latest news. Rather tell her about what you did, your accomplishments. You studied a page of gemara. You studied Rashba. Share with her what you learned, even if she doesn't fully understand it. This way, she will have an experience of a hard-working husband who is "doing something with himself."
(In my humble opinion, this approach is just bringing the relationship back to the right balance. The world of the Torah scholars in general is the most wonderful world on earth, even if not everyone becomes the head of a yeshiva or proficient in Talmud. In this world, our usual tendency is to de-emphasize the good in ourselves and focus only on what we still need to rectify. So at home, we don't talk enough about our good points and accomplishments because we don't feel at ease with this supposed pridefulness. We also think that our accomplishments or good aspects won't interest our wives. But this approach is not correct. A woman deserves to know what she is investing in. What does she have, she wonders. In this case, what sort of husband does she have.)
And last but not least, invite her for a frank conversation. Tell her how you feel: unwanted, unloved, unacceptable. Explain to her that it bothers you and blocks you too. Mostly, it bothers you that she doesn't accept you as you are. That's how it should be in a marital system, and you're missing it badly.
When you are not welcomed at home, you do not feel "at home." Explain it clearly.
Also ask her, what is she expecting? Let her express it fully and listen until the end. Then put the fact in front of her, that this is how you are, and there's nothing for her to do about it. You work, you try, you do what you can. But you can't be anyone else. There is no choice but to find a way to live with it, accept it, and receive you as you are.
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