We are soon heading into vacation season, and this is a time that is prone to disaster for us. I thought it was only my problem. It seemed to me that I was more anxious when our normal routine is interrupted, and I don't know how to define why.
After thinking about it, I believe my increased anxiety during off times also has something to do with my wife. During vacation season, she becomes irritable for no apparent reason, or maybe it's for the same reason that I become irritable.
It's been like this for several years — always during vacations. We should I do?
Answer:
Is vacation the cause of the increased irritability in your home? Until I speak directly to both of you, I have no way of knowing. However, since this unwelcome change in behavior has been happening for several years, noticeably during vacations — and it's a common phenomenon in many homes — let's delve into the issue. Let's examine your hypothesis that your wife's irritability either triggers your irritability or is triggered by the same mystery factor that affects you as well.
So what is vacation anyway?
Freedom! Time to go out, travel, and enjoy! There is only one problem: hunger. Those who are hungry cannot enjoy anything and may also be irritable. Usually women know this about their husbands when they're hungry. Now you're probably asking, what does hunger have to do with anything?
There's a close connection. I'll explain. There are two sides to our lives: on one side is a "cloud" of mixed desires and emotions, on the other side is reality. For example, let's say a person suffers from some kind of anxiety, such as an anxiety about doctors' appointments (not long ago a person came to me for one such consultation; doctor-visit anxiety is real!).
One of the ways to help anxious people is to ask them what they are afraid of. What will happen? Their first answer will be that they are afraid of the doctor, in our example. Then we'll probe more, well what's going on with the doctor? We question each detail of the fear and keep drilling down, asking and probing the responses until every issue is brought to light and nothing is hidden. When everything is clear and the fear is shown for what it is (i.e., just a fear), then quite often the problem disappears of its own accord. (It is beneficial to probe the depths of someone's fears accompanied by a professional in the event of complications, such as emotional outbursts, and so on.)
At first, anxiety feels like a "cloud" of mixed feelings, a sense of unease at not knowing what may happen. Underneath anxiety is a dread of the unknown that looms large, indefinite, and dark. When this darkness is forced to be revealed, then there just isn't much substance left to it. And the substantive issues that do remain can be dealt with more easily.
Perhaps this is related to the famous article of Rabbi Moshe Isserlis in his Q&A chapter 5 where he says: "A person has not tasted the taste of joy until he has tasted the joy of resolving a doubt." The resolution of doubts. Many techniques used by psychologists are based on this principle, and we can do so in our case as well.
We envision such a glowing halo around the word "freedom," a halo of fun and pleasure trips. But this halo is not realistic, as glowing halos never are. They belong to the genus of cloud (the mixed-desires-and-emotions kind) but from the other side, the side that feels like a kind of euphoria—until reality hits along with the painful crash landing into the demands of running a house and caring for children. That's not to mention the bank account that didn't "get with the program" either (that is, expand as promised by our freedom halo).
Every day when you get up in the morning "on vacation," and the house starts to run as it does every day, the disappointment is already here. There is no halo as the dream is trampled under the predatory boots of reality. What is left is a hunger that can never be satisfied for there is nothing that can satisfy the cloudy haze of undefined desires!
So what is the solution? Sit down and have a conversation to coordinate and manage expectations. First the managers of the household, husband and wife, should clarify their expectations during vacation, and when things are clear in the "management department," bring the children into the conversation.
In this conversation, discuss what each one would like to happen during vacation. What are the expectations of the husband? What are the expectations of the wife? Everyone must listen to the other until he or she has finished speaking. After that, reflect. Each summarizes what the other wants, and then pose the detailed questions: What are our options? What's the schedule? What is the budget you are dedicating to these plans?
Sit with a calendar and plan each day. If there is a day or two that you're unable to plan, then you have still clearly defined and limited the open-ended, unplanned days, which is also beneficial. So also define clearly what you cannot or have not yet defined. You may still be able to define some possibilities or potential plans.
You also need to coordinate and manage expectations regarding the time you spend together at home. How long will you spend in study or working? How much time do you or your wife devote to yourselves as individuals, to the home or your occupations? How much time can you devote to each other, and how much to the family? The clearer the definitions are, the more effective your conversation will be. The "hunger" becomes defined, limited, and possible to satisfy according to your true ability.
An extremely important element is to find time for husband and wife go out alone during vacation, at least once. If there is absolutely no possibility of a date night (or more) during family vacation then find the time after or before it. Whoever thinks that outings between husband and wife are an abandonment of the children and not taking them into account should understand that alone time between parents is actually an investment in their education in understanding how a mother and father should behave and devote time to each other.
(Sometimes you need specific guidance in how to leave children, but we'll leave that topic for another time. I've received fabulous feedback from couples that I counseled to take a vacation by themselves, away from the children.)
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